Pics of San Fran!

Since Christy (Wheeler) asked so nicely here are some pics from our SF trip. If you want to see more go here.

This was the sign that was there when we got there. So cute of them to welcome us like that!

Us on the ferry from Oakland over to the city. Such a nice relaxing trip and beautiful weather.

Mmmm ... I don't usually like clam chowder but this was delicious! And in a yummy sourdough bread bowl to boot. Heaven!













Us with the cars at Pixar! So cool to take a tour there!










Us in front of the Golden Gate bridge. It was a bit foggy but it made for really cool pics.

San Fran!

So last week Jasmine and I went on vacation to San Francisco to visit some friends and enjoy some time off. This is going to be the quick version of the things we did on our trip to San Fran.

Tues - Leave at about 7am. On the way we took a small detour on the way to SF so we could stop in Yuba for Costa Vida :D It was so amazing! Then we got to SF around 730pm or so and basically said 'hi guys' and then chatted for a bit and then crashed - driving all day makes for a long day.

Wed - In the morning we went in to the actual city of SF on the ferry and hit up Piers 39 and 41, the Ghirardelli square, ate some clam chowder in a real sourdough bread bowl (mmm). Then we took the ferry back and went home and we were exhausted.

Thurs - We had a tour and lunch at Pixar because the man of the family we were staying with works there. That was pretty cool. Then we went to the Oakland temple which is beautiful. Then on the Jelly Belly Factory where we got free samples and I bought (too many) 'Belly Flops'. I am basically going to be eating jelly belly's forever. Good thing they have many flavours!

Friday -We went into SF again but this time we drove across the Bay Bridge, which is awesome. Then we went back to Pier 39 where we went to this store called 'Del Sol' that sells stuff that changes color in the sunlight. We would have gone on Wed but we didn't realize where it was. So we did that and then had some fish and chips on the pier (more mmm). We drove around for a while after that and went up, and then down Lombard street, and we went to the Full House park (which is actually called Alamo Square Park fyi), and then we went to see the Golden Gate Bridge - and then we crossed it. Then we went to dinner that night with our friends. That night we also made our own mozzarella string cheese. It was so cool!

Sat - In the morning we went to the California Academy of Sciences which also pretty neat. They had all sorts of cool exhibits about different countries and they had a really neat rainforest dome which was fun. Then we met the fam we stayed with at Muir beach for lunch and we messed around there for a while. It was their baby's first time on the beach which was so fun. Then we tried to go to Muir woods but it was so crowded we just ended up taking a long drive around the area and then we left. That night we got a log and had a fire in their fireplace - not because it was cold, but because it was fun.

Sun - We left :( but we stopped at Costa Vida again which was yummy.

That was it. Now we are back and I am basically just spending my time trying to find a place to move, getting ready to move (my roommate got engaged!! Yay!) planning a bridal shower and also just trying to enjoy the rest of the summer. It has been busy. :D

Vending Machine

So, I am sitting at work, surfing the net (not that that is all I do at work, but it happened to be what I was doing at the beginning of this story) at about 1045am when suddenly, out of nowhere I see the word Skittles. In that second I thought "I want those right now!!!" And then I remembered that the vending machine down the hall has skittles. Yay!

So I dig out a dollar bill that I think the machine will accept and I trek down the the machine. I put the bill in and then the machine says '1.00, please make your selection'. Yes! I push 8D or whatever it is for the skittles and it says 'make another selection'.

What?

I try again. 'Make another selection'. I decide that if I can't have skittles then the next best choice is clearly M&M's (they are like chocolate skittles) and again it says 'make another selection'.

Why do you hate me vending machine? Why? All I want is skittles and/or chocolate. I don't care if you think it is too early in the day for these things, I WANT THEM!

Now I am sad. :(

The End of the Trip

So, after the last post I really didn't do any more fun things in Pittsburgh. The last 2 days was just filled with me making sure we got everything done before I left. Then Thursday morning I went to the airport and that was a bit of an adventure. They loaded us all on the plane and then taxied us out to the runway (which took forever - longest taxi ever!) and then we sat there. Doing nothing. Then they announced that there was something wrong with the plane that was probably fixable but we had to head back to the gate. We get back to the gate and they announce that there is something wrong with a charger for an emergency back-up battery or something like that (it didn't sound like anything huge, but regulations are regulations). They said that they hoped it would be something they could fix by switching some fuses around. No dice. After trying something for about 20 mins they said it wasn't working so we all had to get off the plane. A bit later they said they were getting the part from United and once they got that it would be a 10 min fix. 30 mins later they said that it was taking longer than they expected, but we were going to do a 'plane swap' which basically meant that we were going to take a plane that was just coming in that was headed to Orlando next, and they would have to wait for our plane. That way we didn't miss anyone's connections and neither did the next group - we would just all be inconvenienced. Lol. Anyway, 2 hours late we finally took off to go to Vegas. I was just glad that my layover was supposed to have been 3 hours in the Vegas airport so then I didn't miss my flight. I got on the flight to Utah when I was supposed to and that flight went smoothly. My Mom made it without any problems (which was practically a miracle as well) and was waiting to pick me up when I got to Utah. The first thing we did when we got there was go to Cafe Rio. Lol. It was soooooo good. :D

Then we went to my grandparents' house and visited my aunt and uncle for a while and then went to bed. It was still on Pitt time so the next morning I got up at 7:30 thinking I had slept in until 9:30. Haha - that will never happen again. We spent the day going around and visiting different family members and friends and basically relaxing. Also, a friend of mine had recently published a book and was having a book signing that night, so in support of them we went and got a book and got it signed (so far it is not the greatest thing I have ever read, but it isn't the worst either - gives me hope to publish lol). The next day we visited some more and then I went to the airport. I had a great time in Utah, that is for sure. I wish I had been able to see a few more of my family members but I guess that will have to wait until next time.

Overall I really enjoyed my two weeks away. I saw some new things, saw some familiar things (I was going to say I saw some old things but then I thought you would think I was calling my Mom old, lol) met some new people, caught up with people I know and love. I am glad I am home. My room is finally unpacked and everything is back how it should be. The problem is I liked it too much and now I want more. More. MORE! But this time I want it to be a REAL vacation. Not a work-cation. I just feel unsettled, but settled as well. Does that even make any sense at all? Probably not (even I am confused!) Sorry for the confusion, but I am glad to be back. :D

Pittsburgh!

So, I have been meaning to write an update for days now and I have just been enjoying myself soooo much taht I haven't done it yet. Lol. It is a bit weird to me that I can be enjoying working so much that I haven't posted. Of course, the enjoyment hasn't been had at work, it has been all the time not at work. I think I will start from the beginning. Monday was 'travel day' for me. My flight left for Las Vegas at noon, so I left for the airport at about 10am. I had to wait a couple of hours in Vegas before flying to Pitt so I called and chatted with my mom and I even had time to chat with my older brother for a bit, which is amazing since I almost never talk to him on the phone. Anyway, so as I was waiting in line for my turn to board the plane to Pitt from Vegas I noticed that the lady behind me in line looked familiar. I asked her if she just came from Portland and she said yes. I started chatting with her and she said she was from Pittsburgh. I mentioned that I had never been to Pitt before and asked if she had any suggestions about things that I should do while I was there. She said that there is a place that you can rent a kayak and go up and down the river. That was all she could think of at the time, and then we had to get on plane so I didn't see her again. I ended up not sitting by her and instead sat next to this cute couple from Pitt who were in Vegas for a niece's wedding. They were cute and told me that while I was in Pitt I had to make sure that I had a sandwich at the Primanti Bros and that I had to have a salad with french fries on it which is apparently something they do in Pitt. Anyway, I get off the plane and go to the baggage check and there is the woman that I met in line. She says "I am so glad to see you! We discussed it on the plane and we made a map for you of things to do while you are in town," and then she hands me a little map that she and her seat mates had drawn of Pittsburgh with numbers all over it, and a little key at the bottom with the names of things I should go. It was super sweet of them I thought.

Anyway, Judy was nice enough to let me sleep in on Tues since I was on west coast time. Still I was super tired when we got back home that evening because I had stayed up later than I meant to so Tues night I fell asleep about 6pm and slept until the next morning. It was glorious. :) So then on Wednesday I went for a little walk around the area that Judy lives over to squirrel hill area and that was super fun. It is a cute little area where they have all sorts of shops and a movie theatre and cool things like that. On Thursday I just stayed in and read a book and chillaxed around the house. Friday we went to Primanti Bros and then we went over the Incline (we went to the Duquesne Incline if anyone knows that there are more than one Incline) and that was super cool. You should look at the pics from it on my facebook if you get a chance - there was a great view of the city! Then we went and got frozen yogurt and that was yummy.

Saturday was busy. I slept in (yay!). Then I got to babysit some kittens outside for a while which was fun. They are super cute. Then I went down to the Phipps Conservatory and walked around there for a while which was really pretty. I took tons of pics there but I have been haven't uploaded them yet (don't worry I will!) and then I walked back from that and only got a little bit of a sunburn ;) (It has faded to a tan already!) Then a bunch of people from the lab came over to the house for dinner and that was fun. It was interesting to meet everyone's significant others. After everyone left from there we went to a concert that was being performed by a friend of Judy's ... or something. This country singer named Dallas Marks sang, and then he rappelled down from the top of a fire hall, which was daring but turned out okay (although his wife was pissed!) Today instead of going to church (I know, I am a bad girl lol) I slept in again, and then we went to the Cathedral of Learning and the Carnegie Natural History museum. After that we went to a taiwanese place for dinner which was awesome and then we went to see 'Inception' which I thought was pretty good (kinda Matrix-esque and mind blowing!).

Monday was good for work things. We ended up having a very successful day at work which was great, since I felt like we had sort of been treading water on the reason I came here until then. So that was good. Today we also had a good day at work and tomorrow will be good too (knock on wood!). And then that is it! That is my last day! My flight out is on Thurs morning at like 10ish (must remember to check in for flight 24 hours in advance!) and then I will be getting to Utah around 6pm on Thursday night (with a long and probably boring bout in Vegas in the middle - ugh). I am super excited to get to Utah because then I can see my family and enjoy a few non-work, non-boss days. Even the days off that I have had here have seemed a bit like work since the boss was still around. I am grateful that I get to stay in her house and that she has cooked for me and made sure I wasn't bored to tears while I was here, but I will be glad to not be with her all the time.

I am only going to be in Utah for almost exactly 48hours (give or take 10 minutes!) and I plan to make the most of it. I will be glad to see my mother who I haven't seen since she came to visit me at Easter and I will be glad to see my grandparents and other family members who I haven't seen in even longer than that. And then do you know what? I will be glad to go home! I miss my bed and my friends and my car and my office at work and my roommates and even my weather! Okay, that last bit might be pushing it, but you get the picture. I mean, if I was not working at all and this was a vacation it would be different, but since I am still doing work while I am here it is a bit stressful and it will be nice to get back to my un-stressful (heh - not exactly I guess) regular job. I don't mind training people but I will be glad when it is over. :D

So, that has been what I have been up to for the last little while. Hope you have enjoyed reading about it as much as I have enjoyed doing it!

Oops?

Heh, so much for being better at posting. Oh well. You guys have all lived so I think no harm done. A lot has been going on lately and I just haven't really wanted to sit and type it all out because that means that I have organize my thoughts into some kind of coherent manner and that is tough to do.

First off one of my best friend's was diagnosed with what is called psuedo-tumor cerebri which basically means that she has many of the symptoms of a tumor but without an actual physical tumor. She had extra cerebral spinal fluid build up which was giving her headaches and all other sorts of nasty symptoms. Anyway, this diagnosis was then followed by getting a shunt placed in her brain so that the extra fluid would drain off and she wouldn't have the pressure anymore. The surgery went well, but then the next day her heart stopped and so she required another surgery to get a pacemaker put in. So there was about a week in there that I spent mostly at the hospital or at her house helping her out and just basically being there for her. Through it all I realized a couple of things.

One is that I have great friends. She was such a trooper the whole time. I know it is hard to maintain a positive outlook on things when you are facing so much, but she has been so good. I am continually amazed at what people can go through emotionally and physically and still manage to come out okay.

I also realized that I am like my Grandma in ways that I never really realized. My Grandma is a worrier. She has stayed up nights worrying about every single one of her children and grandchildren because she wants so much to help them out. Now, I don't stay up nights, but I worry. I am pretty good about keeping things internal and not letting it effect me too much, but I still worry about things. Sometimes even ridiculous things that I shouldn't worry about. Also, my Grandma is a fixer. I know that if she could just fix all her loved ones' problems she would. Of course this isn't possible, so that leads to the worrying. I also just want to fix things for people. If I could have been the one to have the surgeries for my friend I would. It really sucks when you just want to help someone and there is absolutely nothing you can do.

Other things that have been going on include that I had to get my status renewed so that I could continue to work in the US. I am on TN status and this requires that I go through a border crossing and apply for status every year. It has always been a pain because almost every time I have been missing some kind of paperwork (despite double and triple checking on my part) or something else has gone wrong. This time, thankfully, nothing went wrong. But it made me sick with worry the whole 2 or 3 weeks leading up to it. Add that to worry about my friend who's surgeries were the week before the planned trip and I was a little bit of a wreck.

Thankfully - status is approved for a year, so the worry about that is gone. Thankfully - surgeries are over and my friend is on the mend, so that worry is alleviating. Of course, new things to worry about always pop up. Now I have to take the previously mentioned trip to Pittsburgh for my job for 2 weeks and that is nerve-wracking for about a million different reasons that I don't want to go into because it will just make me freak out more. It will be good. And at the end of it I am going to Utah to visit my family for 2 days, which will be a good end to that adventure. I have been wanting to go to Utah for a while now and so even though it will be a short trip it will be very fulfilling I think. I hope!

Anyway, I will make sure I take pics in Pitt and keep everyone updated on how things go there. I leave on Monday and I am totally not ready to do so (ack!) but I still have 2 days ... that's enough time right? I better go do laundry.

Catching Crap

So, I have gotten a little flack lately from some of you (and from myself) about not posting anything in a long while. It has almost been 2 months! Where has the time gone? I am not really sure - I guess I have been working a lot and trying to keep busy when I am not working. And I am boring so I feel like I have nothing too exciting to post. Well ... that is not totally true. I have one thing.

So, let me start by saying that I have to go to Pittsburgh to help my boss train the crew there to do my job. To do this I have had to take about a million online trainings and I have to fill out a health questionnaire, get a TB test and a measles titer. Most of those things are easy to do ... but the stupid measles titer was a thorn in my side. I couldn't just get it from employee health, I had to go to my actual doctor to get a lab slip etc etc. The problem with that is I don't really like my old doctor (the one I went to about twice a couple years ago) so I had to find a new doctor just to get it done. So I went for a first time appointment last week so she could set me up with the lab slip. She was awesome. She asked if there was anything else that I wanted to talk about while I was there. I mentioned my lack of periods and she asked a few other questions and took some blood and determined that I have PCOS. This is what I study at work so I am not too shocked (I knew I had most of the symptoms). She prescribed me a few things (metformin to deal with the insulin insensitivity thing and an anti-androgen) that she thinks would help. This means I am on meds from now until eternity. Woo (note the sarcasm). The doctor assured me that many women who have PCOS can and do end up having children, but I know that there are people who can't. A lot. I know at least one friend whose blog I follow has infertility due to PCOS. A few girls I work with have the same issue. Not that I want kids right now since I am unmarried and not even dating, but, now that will always be in the back of my mind. Obviously it was there anyway - I knew I wasn't ovulating and if you don't ovulate then you can't conceive, but for some reason having an official diagnosis makes it more real. Bleargh.

On a lighter note - I got the stupid measles titer and found out that I am not immune to the measles! Or mumps or rubella. I did a little bit of searching online and found out that 95% of people who get the MMR shot one time end up being immune to all three things and 99% of people who get the MMR twice end up being immune. Guess how many times I got the stupid immunization when I was younger? That's right folks, twice. I am in that small 1% of people who don't become immune even after 2 freaking shots! I got the MMR again. Hopefully this time it takes!

I will try to be better about posting. Thanks for the kick in the butt!

Fame!

Posting twice in one day? What? It is just because I wanted to post this little tidbit from the Calgary news. Go Carmangay (my hometown). Click here.

Plan B?

So, I got the official rejection notice from KU yesterday. Oh well. On to plan b I guess. I just wish I actually had a plan b ... Any suggestions?

Okay, Finally

So, I got an email today telling me I didn't get in to FSU. I kinda figured as much, but I am glad to finally know. I am still waiting to hear from KU, but I kinda think I won't get in there either. Maybe a miracle will happen? Whatever.

Round 1, Down; Round 2, Here I Come!

I just got this email from KU saying I made it through round 1 of cuts! Yay! Of course, they do a second round of cuts, then they do interviews and then they do even more cuts, so I am nowhere near actual admission, but I am one step closer. I still haven't heard anything from FSU, but I decided to give them a week after their 'we make decisions on March 1st' deadline before I email them demanding a no (or yes, but chances are if they haven't emailed me by then it will be a no - lol). So they will be hearing from me on Monday. But ... I haven't been totally forgotten about. Yay!

Still Waiting ...

So they said that they were deciding on March 1st and I should hear shortly thereafter ... is March 3rd too early to email and badger them about it? Seriously, I am pretty sure it will be a 'no', I just want it to be an official 'no', you know? Gah! I think I have said this before, but, I HATE WAITING!!!!

Goals

So, I suck at posting things in a timely manner - not that anything exciting has happened since my last post - but I still suck. I have been trying to keep up with my goal to be more social and I think I have been doing pretty good. Let me tell you about it.

Monday - I already wrote about this, but I went to FHE. That was good. Go me.
Tuesday - Also already written about, but I took the day off because I was sick and I cleaned my kitchen. Yay for a clean kitchen. Go me again.
Wednesday - I went to work. Not that that is very surprising, but I went. I still felt sick so I wasn't the most productive, but I was there. Then that night I went visiting teaching. The girl we vt is a bit self-conscious about her house being messy so we picked her up and took her to DQ for some food and ice cream. It was good.
Thursday - I kinda forget what happened. Maybe it was nothing too exciting. Maybe I hung out with Jasmine and Mark. Leave me alone, I am sick. Jasmine and Mark and I went to Costco to get a Polish dog and some ice cream (love that stuff) and then we went to his place to watch his giant tv, but instead just sat around chatting for a while.
Friday - Went to IKEA with Jasmine and Mark. Then we went to Red Robin and ate some noms. Love their onion ring sauce (which, in my opinion, should just be called Fry Sauce, since that is what it is ... but we are in Oregon, so alas ...)
Saturday - Worked (boo). That night my co-worker Whitney had a belly-dance show in Portland at this wine car called Vino Vixens. I went with this girl at our work who is a vet. Afterwards we went to Pix Patisserie and spent way too much money on really delicious fattening noms. So worth it. :D
Sunday - After church I went to my friend Sandy's house for dinner with a bunch of other people. Also, celebrated that Canada won the men's gold medal in hockey. And celebrated that Canada won 14 gold medals in this Olympic games! So proud to be a Canadian. After that went to Jasmine's house to watch "The Time Traveller's Wife" which she rented a few days ago and had to return today. It was cute. Not awesome, but cute.
Today - Worked. So far that is it, but it is only 5:30 so far and I do plan to go to FHE, so that is still fulfilling my goal.

Other than that, I am still impatiently waiting to hear back about Grad Schools. I really think they will be sending me big fat NO's but I would like to know so I can at least then move on and figure out what to do next. I hate waiting. Have I mentioned that? Lol. Anyway, I guess I should go. I am going to do a little bit of reading before I head to FHE. I will try to post more updates before next Monday - but no promises.

Ugh ... Sickness

So, I make this great new goal to be better at life, and then ... I get sick. Bleurgh. I NEVER get sick, so this is totally weird. Yesterday I had the day off and so I spent the day being girly and fun with Jasmine - we got mani/pedi's and went shopping and stuff. Then I got all ready for FHE and we went to that. I didn't feel awesome - my throat was kinda sore all day and my tummy was a bit swirly (does that make sense?) feeling, so I didn't participate in the v-ball/b-ball fun they were having. Also, I did my vt and that was good. I like my companion and I like the girls I teach so that is always good. We are doing one of the other girls tomorrow night and the other one on Sunday (I think - not totally sure about that one). Anyway, I also spent some time chatting with some people that I don't usually chat with. I didn't meet anyone I didn't know, but in looking around the room I think there were only like 2 people there who I didn't know anyway, and then they were gone by the time I was done with the vt anyway. I will make a note to introduce myself next time.

Then today I took off as well. I had 2 days off this week and I wasn't really sure which days I was going to take, but then since I was feeling all sicky I decided today would be a good day for the second one. I almost took Thursday but then changed my mind. My roommate was supposed to get her bridals done on Saturday (I am going with her to be her assistant) but then the photographer called and said that something came up and can they please change the date? He said Thurs would work or some other Sat. She didn't want to do the next Saturday because her fiance is in town that weekend so she thought Thurs - and I was like sure I have another day off coming anyway, I will just make it Thurs. But then she was like, wait I don't want to take a day off to do this - esp on such short notice. So now she doesn't know which day she will be doing them, but it worked out for me because I could take today off and not have to worry about getting Thurs off as well.

I am really weird when I get sick-ish (not so sick I am throwing up or anything, but just not feeling so hot) in that I like to clean. It is very odd, I know. But today I decided to tackle our kitchen floor. It has been forever since it was last cleaned - and that is not all my roommate's fault, but I feel like I am the only one that does it so I was kinda hoping someone else would do it. Whatever, finally I got too sick of it to leave it. It looks better, but it is still pretty bad. Gah. I hate it when I clean something and it doesn't look that good - I feel like a custodial failure! Oh well I guess. At least it looks better than before. If no one says anything about it though I think I will be utterly disenchanted. Meh.

Okay ... that is it for updates. Not a lot about the goal, but overall I think I am doing better emotionally. I am still filled with an impending sense of doom about my job/grad school, but there is nothing I can do about that but wait. And be patient (as we learned about in FHE yesterday). I still hate waiting.

New Outlook

Okay, the thing is, I am sick of my attitude and mood as much as you guys are. And I just read the comments left to me after my last post, and I am turning over a new leaf. My friend Christina always somehow seems to know what to say that I need to hear, and her comment was what I needed to hear. First I just want to say that I didn't mean that I didn't think anyone else ever really felt like they will never get married, but sometimes people don't really mean it. And to those who have felt it and meant it ... I guess the older I get the more I think those feelings intensify. But, of course, like all things it gets stronger and weaker depending on the day and the mood I am in and all that jazz.

Secondly I want to talk about my new outlook. Christina is right, I can't expect some guy to just come sweep me off my feet. This is the 21st century. Not to mention I think men have just as many self-confidence issues as women. So I am going to make sure I get to know everyone in my sphere - of course, this mostly includes people in the Ward, but it also includes anyone in my realm of contact. It is something I feel like I should do anyway - I was talking to my visiting teachers the other day about how when I first went to a singles ward I was so scared and this girl came and sat by me and was super nice. I think that we don't realize sometimes how much it will mean to someone else just to say hi and sit by them. Also, I like getting to know new people. That was one of the reasons I usually didn't stay in the same ward more than one year in college. Since I can't just move 2 blocks and be in a different ward I guess I am going to have to get my fill of new people a different way. So I am going to try hard to make sure I know everyone.

And I am going to update my progress here. Every time I go somewhere fun or do something with a group of people (more people than just the same ones I see all the time) then I will post about it here and I will make sure I update everyone on my success at fulfilling my new outlook. Thanks for all your love and support everyone who reads this. I am glad you are in my life and that you don't let me stay in the dumps when you find me there!

My Boring Life

That is my life - not exciting. I ended up having to work on the 14th and 15th and that was super fun (note the sarcasm). And then I ended up working until that Tues and Wed too. Of course there was all kinds of work stress which just freaks me out even more about what is going to happen in the near future. I seriously have no idea what I am going to do if I don't get in to Grad School. I start to panic just thinking about it! Okay, not thinking about it, moving on. I did have a job interview on the hill the other day - but they aren't sure they are hiring and I am not sure I can even get status again, so ... I don't want to bank on that. Gah!

Moving on. Friday, I did a whole lot of nothing. I slept in late, watched a movie. Jasmine came over and we hung out watching some tv on DVD. Then I felt lazy like I had done nothing all day so I went for a walk. It was a good day. Of course then I couldn't get to sleep at a decent time because I slept in so much so getting up this morning for work sucked, but oh well I guess. Today I came to work, and then I went to a baby shower for this girl who used to be in the Ward and got married last May. She is super cute and it was cool to see her and a bunch of the other people who used to be in the Ward but have 'graduated' (so to speak) as well as a couple of girls who are about to 'graduate' from the Ward. It was tough to be surrounded by all the wedding and baby talk though. I feel like I am never going to get married. I know, I know - lots of girls feel like that. The two girls at the shower who are both engaged said that they felt that way before they got engaged. But I have a theory on that. You remember back when you were in school? You come out of a big final or something and everyone says - "I think I did terrible". Well, there are people who studied a lot and actually know they did okay, but they are just saying that. There are also people who didn't study all that much, but managed to wing it. There are also people who didn't study and really did do terrible. I think most girls who say "I think I am never going to get married" are in those first two categories. They know they will get married eventually, or somehow think they will wing it. I, on the other hand, think that I really won't get married. I am 26 years old and have never had a boyfriend. I haven't even had an almost boyfriend or anything like that. I got on maybe 1 date a year (I have actually gone on 2 dates in the last 3 years, so I am not even doing that good) and I have never had a second date with the same guy. Ever. So ... that makes me feel like I am the third category. And I think that even more because I know that I don't really make myself emotionally available to anyone. I don't like to get close to people because I don't want to get hurt. I guess I feel like I have been hurt a lot growing up by my brother and by men who I would foolishly fall for and then they would reject me, so I just don't let that happen. Even if I get a crush on someone these days it just seems to be short lived. It is enough to remind me I am a woman and still like guys, but it's like in the back of my mind I know that they wouldn't want me so I don't get too attached and at the first hint that he likes someone else I am like "okay, I am over it!" Wow. The thing is, I think part of me has come to accept this as the truth of how things are. I sometimes get sad about this, but lately it's like, I have accepted my terminal single-hood. For instance, when I write posts like this it is usually when I am in a sad mood and feeling depressed, but right now I don't feel that way. I just feel ... resigned. I am okay with that.

Part of me feels bad for people who are friends of mine anyway. I think that being close to me is a disadvantage. Let me explain. I mentioned that I am not very emotionally available - and that is in almost any respect. I will be happy for you, and have fun with you, and when it comes to anything tough I will be there for you. But a lot of times I don't want this in return. I don't NEED it usually. My emotions are usually on a pretty even keel. I told Jasmine the other day that I was feeling more depressed lately than I ever have and she said that I didn't seem that way at all - because I don't let it show. And that is okay, I don't really need it to show. And if you make me mad, I might not let that show either. I will let you walk on me. I hold A LOT in. And I like it that way. I like having other people's emotions be the ones that we will worry about. The reason that this is a detriment to my friends is because they come to think this is normal. And then they interact with people who aren't like this - and they get burned. It is like they are so shocked that any person might stand up for themselves that they get more hurt by other people's words than they would have if they were used to this happening. Sorry friends.

And sorry for the post that makes it sounds like I am unhappy - I am not. I think I am coming out of the being more depressed than I ever have before thing that I was telling Jasmine about because it is spring and beautiful outside. I have a job, I get paid, I have good friends, I have a great family - I am in a good spot (at least for this second!).

Responses

So, I got an email back from University of Florida (don't get too excited, keep reading) it said I was still under consideration and they are making final decisions on March 1, so I should hear more shortly thereafter. Poo. I hate waiting.

No News Is Good News ....?

So, I still haven't heard anything from Grad Schools - gah! It is so frustrating to just wait. I got the okay from 2 people today that I am not jumping the gun to email them and ask, so I did. Hopefully they respond with something positive. Keep your fingers crossed.

In other news, Florida as AWESOME! I love vacation. There were a few slight hiccups, but it was still a great time and I enjoyed myself immensely. We went to Animal Kingdom and Epcot twice and Magic Kingdom and Hollywood Studios thrice (there were a few of those days that Julie went elsewhere because she isn't a huge fan of Hollywood Studios). We also went to the Kennedy Space Center, which was really neat. The worst part about going on vacation for two weeks though is the getting back to real life. After being in Disney parks for that long work and real life are just so mundane. Bleargh. Anyway, I shared the pics that Jasmine posted on facebook (I would just post my own, but I would post all the same ones and that just seems redundant).

Oopsie Doodle

I am planning on applying to Grad School, which is why I took the GRE the last time I posted anything on here. So I got my statement all written and some documents scanned in that I was planning to send to FSU and I went to their online app page and I was blocked out. What the heck? So I did a little scouting and it turns out that even though the deadline for their Grad program is Jan 15, the deadline for the Neuro Grad program was actually Dec 15. That doesn't explain to me why I was able to access the site up until Jan 3rd or something like that, but anyway, I was pretty sad. So I emailed the office and asked if there was any way I could still submit my application. They wrote me back and said that re-opening the online portal is a huge pain so if I sent them my stuff via email she would evaluate if I would be 'competitive' as an applicant. Then, if she thinks so they will go through the process of re-opening the portal and letting me submit it officially. This is good and bad I think. Bad because they will probably judge me more harshly since I missed the deadline and no one else did. Also bad because I will be associated with that now. Good though because it means they will tell me if they think I have a chance before I ever have to pay the fee. Yes! Also, they will know who I am. Is it true that all press is good press, even when applying to Grad School? I got in an app to Kansas State as well. Those were the only two I went for in the end. I don't think I will get in (which might be a bad attitude, but I know how competitive it is - esp now - OHSU is interviewing like 23 people!). So I am still pondering a 'plan B'. Judy wants me to go to Pitt but I am pretty sure that I will not do that - but I don't know what I WILL do so I need to do more thinking and praying. I hate deciding what to do with my life! Oh well I guess.

In other news I went to the dentist today and I got three compliments on my teeth from actual trained professionals. It was odd. I have had that before - when I was younger my dental hygenist asked me on 2 or 3 separate occasions if I had ever had braces. Today they asked if I whitened (no) and the dentist himself told me I have really nice teeth. Which is a weird compliment. It made me feel good, but it is not like I did anything to make them that way. They grew in straight all on their own! I guess they are probably white because I don't smoke or drink coffee, but my brother had really white teeth after doing both those things too, so I think it is just genes. It is like when people (read:strangers) tell me I have really pretty eyes. I say 'thanks' but really, I didn't do anything so I feel weird taking credit for something I didn't do. I think it is good I am not beautiful because if people told me all the time it would be really weird for me. I mean, I can look good - but that is when I do something to take what I have and make it look its best. Does that even make sense? Whatever.

Anyway, I am done. I keep going on tangets (at least in my brain). I keep thinking about random things like Florida. In one week from today we will be landing in Florida! One week from tomorrow we will be going to some Disney park and having the time of our lives in balmy weather! (Don't worry, I checked - their cold snap will be over by the time we get there!) And I am thinking about boys. I was thinking about the guy that I went on a 'date' with before the holidays and that I wouldn't mind going again. Adrianna and I even devised a plan to let him know I wouldn't mind without it being awkward (which I think worked - thanks Adrianna!) So, because my thoughts are wandering, and because I need to pee, I am going to go. I will keep you updated on the whole Grad School/Plan B thing!

Day of Random Happenstance

Okay, so today was a little crazy. I was supposed to have this job interview this morning, but the people never talked to me about a time or a place, so I called last night and there was no response. I called again at like 8:30 this morning (which is a bit early for me to up on my day off!) and there was still no response. I finally got a call back from them around 10 o'clock saying today was going to be too busy for them and that they could do it Thurs afternoon or Fri. I told them that wasn't really possible. So we decided to reschedule for sometime in January.

With that out of the way I decided to get ready for my GRE. I was scheduled to take it at 1pm so I figured if I left around noon then I would be okay to get there in time. I got there took the test and did okay (I got 520 verbal, 660 quantitative - not as good as I was hoping, but still okay). I was super duper fun (that is sarcasm in case you didn't notice).

On the way home I was feeling pretty good about things, listening to Christmas music and happy that I had taken the test and got that out of the way. I came to a stop on I-5 just about to get on the I-405 because of traffic and I had been stopped for a minute or two when suddenly *BAM* I got rear ended. Look in my rear-view mirror and this old lady is behind me with her car all smashed in. I get out and see if she is okay - all the while shaking like crazy. She is fine - but we don't really know what to do because neither of has been in a wreck before. We give each other our insurance info and I am thinking about calling the police and then this guy pulls up to help and he has road flares. He was super nice and his name was Dave. Then about a minute later the police show up so Dave leaves. The police officer takes our stuff and starts filling out this paperwork. Then about two minutes later ODOT comes and the police officer leaves. We fill out some stuff. I get to leave because my car runs fine (hers won't start and they have to wait for a tow).














I get home and call everyone I know to tell them about it. Then randomly a guy that I kinda know but not very well that I used to have a HUGE crush on texts me "hey what's up?". So I am like, okay, whatever. We text chat a bit and then he says he is looking for a dinner partner and would I like to go. I am like heck yeah, I need something to make my day better. He finally realizes I wasn't kidding about the getting rear-ended thing (as if I would joke about that) and then comes on over to get me. We go to this Hot Cake House in Portland that is pretty tasty. Then we came home. It was fun.

Then Adrianna and I went to WinCo quickly so we could get a few things - I needed to get stuff to make more cookies (I had made some for FHE on Monday, and now I need more) for a work potluck tomorrow and she needed food because she was totally out.

All-in-all, it was a crazy day. I really need to go to sleep and then in the morning I need to call and report that accident to the insurance peeps. I have never done this before but I imagine it is going to be a HUGE pain in the arse. Wish me luck!