Saturday, January 03, 2009

The Power of Resolve

So, I am happy to report that I accomplished my goal last year - I flossed more than I did the year before. Of course, that wasn't hard, since I never really flossed the year before that so I only had to floss a few times before it was accomplished. But then I went to the dentist just about a month ago and when I got my cleaning done the hygienist mentioned I should floss more (do they ever NOT have to mention that to anyone?) so I did. The last few weeks of December I flossed quite a bit actually.

This year I don't have any goals like that. I am of the opinion that New Year's resolutions are kinda silly. If there is something I didn't do before now, why do I think that suddenly I am going to do it now? It isn't like I got some magical burst of resolve that made me want to change my life. I think sometimes people do have that happen - but it is almost never at New Years. Like, usually when someone wants to lose weight it is because they realize how big they looked at so-and-so's wedding, or they had some sort of health scare. Same with quitting smoking and most of the other really common New Year's resolutions people have.

But I did have a moment like that recently (it was on New Years actually). You see, upon meeting me most people think I am outgoing and fun (at least I think they do) and a word that you would probably not use to describe me is shy. And I don't think that is the word I would use either, but I am definitely very low on self-confidence. And I hate that about myself. I hate that I feel like I can't say what I want to or do what I want because of the way I will look to others. It isn't just physical self-consciousness either - I hold my tongue a lot because I don't want others to judge me. I have tried hard not to develop an opinion because then I can honestly say "I don't care, whatever you want." And to an extent these things are okay. It is good to be a pleaser sometimes - it makes me happy to see those I love happy. But sometimes I shouldn't have to hold my tongue because I am afraid of being judged. If you don't like me because I told that stupid joke or because I am not really very eloquent or because (heaven forbid) I have an opinion that is different than yours, then screw you. At least that is the attitude I would like to develop somewhat.

The main problem that comes with being a pleaser is that no one really gets to know the real me, because I don't let it out. I play the role that I think you want me to play. If you need someone to be funny with, then I will do that; if you need someone to talk to, I will listen; if you need someone to talk to you, I can do that too (boy can I!) - but it is never about what I need. My roommate tells me that it is okay to let out my emotions more and I think she is right. Why is it that I can't have emotions? I can't let myself show that you hurt me, because then I might be vulnerable.

So, after all that rambling I guess the real goal here is this: I need to be myself. Fear be damned. Consequences be damned. And I am not just doing this because of New Years, that is just a serendipitous coincidence. Courage, help me out here because I am going to need you.

4 comments:

gensher said...

You go girl - you rock!

Lex-a-roo said...

I do the same thing about hiding my feelings because I'm afraid of how people will react, it's hard to break out of that. It's much easier to be mellow and have everyone 'like you'. But just know even if you don't like my favorite movie I'll still like you, and if I hurt you or if I make you laugh feel free to tell me. Barlow and I both really like you and we'll do our best to help you with your goal what a great goal. You can be so inspiring.

Welcome To My Pink World said...

I LOVE YOU MANDI! You can do it! :)

Christina Munyan said...

Mandi,

I am glad that you want to work on that. Sometimes, the blow is a lot easier if you tell someone directly than have them either find out another way or stay in a state of wondering what you truly think.

I am a firm believer that not all people are good to go to for the same thing. For instance, I might go to Mel for emotional support and you for going out to have a good time.

I guess what I am trying to say is being a people pleaser is a great thing but not if you are sacrificing part of your identity.