The Power of Resolve

So, I am happy to report that I accomplished my goal last year - I flossed more than I did the year before. Of course, that wasn't hard, since I never really flossed the year before that so I only had to floss a few times before it was accomplished. But then I went to the dentist just about a month ago and when I got my cleaning done the hygienist mentioned I should floss more (do they ever NOT have to mention that to anyone?) so I did. The last few weeks of December I flossed quite a bit actually.

This year I don't have any goals like that. I am of the opinion that New Year's resolutions are kinda silly. If there is something I didn't do before now, why do I think that suddenly I am going to do it now? It isn't like I got some magical burst of resolve that made me want to change my life. I think sometimes people do have that happen - but it is almost never at New Years. Like, usually when someone wants to lose weight it is because they realize how big they looked at so-and-so's wedding, or they had some sort of health scare. Same with quitting smoking and most of the other really common New Year's resolutions people have.

But I did have a moment like that recently (it was on New Years actually). You see, upon meeting me most people think I am outgoing and fun (at least I think they do) and a word that you would probably not use to describe me is shy. And I don't think that is the word I would use either, but I am definitely very low on self-confidence. And I hate that about myself. I hate that I feel like I can't say what I want to or do what I want because of the way I will look to others. It isn't just physical self-consciousness either - I hold my tongue a lot because I don't want others to judge me. I have tried hard not to develop an opinion because then I can honestly say "I don't care, whatever you want." And to an extent these things are okay. It is good to be a pleaser sometimes - it makes me happy to see those I love happy. But sometimes I shouldn't have to hold my tongue because I am afraid of being judged. If you don't like me because I told that stupid joke or because I am not really very eloquent or because (heaven forbid) I have an opinion that is different than yours, then screw you. At least that is the attitude I would like to develop somewhat.

The main problem that comes with being a pleaser is that no one really gets to know the real me, because I don't let it out. I play the role that I think you want me to play. If you need someone to be funny with, then I will do that; if you need someone to talk to, I will listen; if you need someone to talk to you, I can do that too (boy can I!) - but it is never about what I need. My roommate tells me that it is okay to let out my emotions more and I think she is right. Why is it that I can't have emotions? I can't let myself show that you hurt me, because then I might be vulnerable.

So, after all that rambling I guess the real goal here is this: I need to be myself. Fear be damned. Consequences be damned. And I am not just doing this because of New Years, that is just a serendipitous coincidence. Courage, help me out here because I am going to need you.