Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Ugh ... Sickness

So, I make this great new goal to be better at life, and then ... I get sick. Bleurgh. I NEVER get sick, so this is totally weird. Yesterday I had the day off and so I spent the day being girly and fun with Jasmine - we got mani/pedi's and went shopping and stuff. Then I got all ready for FHE and we went to that. I didn't feel awesome - my throat was kinda sore all day and my tummy was a bit swirly (does that make sense?) feeling, so I didn't participate in the v-ball/b-ball fun they were having. Also, I did my vt and that was good. I like my companion and I like the girls I teach so that is always good. We are doing one of the other girls tomorrow night and the other one on Sunday (I think - not totally sure about that one). Anyway, I also spent some time chatting with some people that I don't usually chat with. I didn't meet anyone I didn't know, but in looking around the room I think there were only like 2 people there who I didn't know anyway, and then they were gone by the time I was done with the vt anyway. I will make a note to introduce myself next time.

Then today I took off as well. I had 2 days off this week and I wasn't really sure which days I was going to take, but then since I was feeling all sicky I decided today would be a good day for the second one. I almost took Thursday but then changed my mind. My roommate was supposed to get her bridals done on Saturday (I am going with her to be her assistant) but then the photographer called and said that something came up and can they please change the date? He said Thurs would work or some other Sat. She didn't want to do the next Saturday because her fiance is in town that weekend so she thought Thurs - and I was like sure I have another day off coming anyway, I will just make it Thurs. But then she was like, wait I don't want to take a day off to do this - esp on such short notice. So now she doesn't know which day she will be doing them, but it worked out for me because I could take today off and not have to worry about getting Thurs off as well.

I am really weird when I get sick-ish (not so sick I am throwing up or anything, but just not feeling so hot) in that I like to clean. It is very odd, I know. But today I decided to tackle our kitchen floor. It has been forever since it was last cleaned - and that is not all my roommate's fault, but I feel like I am the only one that does it so I was kinda hoping someone else would do it. Whatever, finally I got too sick of it to leave it. It looks better, but it is still pretty bad. Gah. I hate it when I clean something and it doesn't look that good - I feel like a custodial failure! Oh well I guess. At least it looks better than before. If no one says anything about it though I think I will be utterly disenchanted. Meh.

Okay ... that is it for updates. Not a lot about the goal, but overall I think I am doing better emotionally. I am still filled with an impending sense of doom about my job/grad school, but there is nothing I can do about that but wait. And be patient (as we learned about in FHE yesterday). I still hate waiting.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

New Outlook

Okay, the thing is, I am sick of my attitude and mood as much as you guys are. And I just read the comments left to me after my last post, and I am turning over a new leaf. My friend Christina always somehow seems to know what to say that I need to hear, and her comment was what I needed to hear. First I just want to say that I didn't mean that I didn't think anyone else ever really felt like they will never get married, but sometimes people don't really mean it. And to those who have felt it and meant it ... I guess the older I get the more I think those feelings intensify. But, of course, like all things it gets stronger and weaker depending on the day and the mood I am in and all that jazz.

Secondly I want to talk about my new outlook. Christina is right, I can't expect some guy to just come sweep me off my feet. This is the 21st century. Not to mention I think men have just as many self-confidence issues as women. So I am going to make sure I get to know everyone in my sphere - of course, this mostly includes people in the Ward, but it also includes anyone in my realm of contact. It is something I feel like I should do anyway - I was talking to my visiting teachers the other day about how when I first went to a singles ward I was so scared and this girl came and sat by me and was super nice. I think that we don't realize sometimes how much it will mean to someone else just to say hi and sit by them. Also, I like getting to know new people. That was one of the reasons I usually didn't stay in the same ward more than one year in college. Since I can't just move 2 blocks and be in a different ward I guess I am going to have to get my fill of new people a different way. So I am going to try hard to make sure I know everyone.

And I am going to update my progress here. Every time I go somewhere fun or do something with a group of people (more people than just the same ones I see all the time) then I will post about it here and I will make sure I update everyone on my success at fulfilling my new outlook. Thanks for all your love and support everyone who reads this. I am glad you are in my life and that you don't let me stay in the dumps when you find me there!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

My Boring Life

That is my life - not exciting. I ended up having to work on the 14th and 15th and that was super fun (note the sarcasm). And then I ended up working until that Tues and Wed too. Of course there was all kinds of work stress which just freaks me out even more about what is going to happen in the near future. I seriously have no idea what I am going to do if I don't get in to Grad School. I start to panic just thinking about it! Okay, not thinking about it, moving on. I did have a job interview on the hill the other day - but they aren't sure they are hiring and I am not sure I can even get status again, so ... I don't want to bank on that. Gah!

Moving on. Friday, I did a whole lot of nothing. I slept in late, watched a movie. Jasmine came over and we hung out watching some tv on DVD. Then I felt lazy like I had done nothing all day so I went for a walk. It was a good day. Of course then I couldn't get to sleep at a decent time because I slept in so much so getting up this morning for work sucked, but oh well I guess. Today I came to work, and then I went to a baby shower for this girl who used to be in the Ward and got married last May. She is super cute and it was cool to see her and a bunch of the other people who used to be in the Ward but have 'graduated' (so to speak) as well as a couple of girls who are about to 'graduate' from the Ward. It was tough to be surrounded by all the wedding and baby talk though. I feel like I am never going to get married. I know, I know - lots of girls feel like that. The two girls at the shower who are both engaged said that they felt that way before they got engaged. But I have a theory on that. You remember back when you were in school? You come out of a big final or something and everyone says - "I think I did terrible". Well, there are people who studied a lot and actually know they did okay, but they are just saying that. There are also people who didn't study all that much, but managed to wing it. There are also people who didn't study and really did do terrible. I think most girls who say "I think I am never going to get married" are in those first two categories. They know they will get married eventually, or somehow think they will wing it. I, on the other hand, think that I really won't get married. I am 26 years old and have never had a boyfriend. I haven't even had an almost boyfriend or anything like that. I got on maybe 1 date a year (I have actually gone on 2 dates in the last 3 years, so I am not even doing that good) and I have never had a second date with the same guy. Ever. So ... that makes me feel like I am the third category. And I think that even more because I know that I don't really make myself emotionally available to anyone. I don't like to get close to people because I don't want to get hurt. I guess I feel like I have been hurt a lot growing up by my brother and by men who I would foolishly fall for and then they would reject me, so I just don't let that happen. Even if I get a crush on someone these days it just seems to be short lived. It is enough to remind me I am a woman and still like guys, but it's like in the back of my mind I know that they wouldn't want me so I don't get too attached and at the first hint that he likes someone else I am like "okay, I am over it!" Wow. The thing is, I think part of me has come to accept this as the truth of how things are. I sometimes get sad about this, but lately it's like, I have accepted my terminal single-hood. For instance, when I write posts like this it is usually when I am in a sad mood and feeling depressed, but right now I don't feel that way. I just feel ... resigned. I am okay with that.

Part of me feels bad for people who are friends of mine anyway. I think that being close to me is a disadvantage. Let me explain. I mentioned that I am not very emotionally available - and that is in almost any respect. I will be happy for you, and have fun with you, and when it comes to anything tough I will be there for you. But a lot of times I don't want this in return. I don't NEED it usually. My emotions are usually on a pretty even keel. I told Jasmine the other day that I was feeling more depressed lately than I ever have and she said that I didn't seem that way at all - because I don't let it show. And that is okay, I don't really need it to show. And if you make me mad, I might not let that show either. I will let you walk on me. I hold A LOT in. And I like it that way. I like having other people's emotions be the ones that we will worry about. The reason that this is a detriment to my friends is because they come to think this is normal. And then they interact with people who aren't like this - and they get burned. It is like they are so shocked that any person might stand up for themselves that they get more hurt by other people's words than they would have if they were used to this happening. Sorry friends.

And sorry for the post that makes it sounds like I am unhappy - I am not. I think I am coming out of the being more depressed than I ever have before thing that I was telling Jasmine about because it is spring and beautiful outside. I have a job, I get paid, I have good friends, I have a great family - I am in a good spot (at least for this second!).

Monday, February 08, 2010


So, I got an email back from University of Florida (don't get too excited, keep reading) it said I was still under consideration and they are making final decisions on March 1, so I should hear more shortly thereafter. Poo. I hate waiting.

Friday, February 05, 2010

No News Is Good News ....?

So, I still haven't heard anything from Grad Schools - gah! It is so frustrating to just wait. I got the okay from 2 people today that I am not jumping the gun to email them and ask, so I did. Hopefully they respond with something positive. Keep your fingers crossed.

In other news, Florida as AWESOME! I love vacation. There were a few slight hiccups, but it was still a great time and I enjoyed myself immensely. We went to Animal Kingdom and Epcot twice and Magic Kingdom and Hollywood Studios thrice (there were a few of those days that Julie went elsewhere because she isn't a huge fan of Hollywood Studios). We also went to the Kennedy Space Center, which was really neat. The worst part about going on vacation for two weeks though is the getting back to real life. After being in Disney parks for that long work and real life are just so mundane. Bleargh. Anyway, I shared the pics that Jasmine posted on facebook (I would just post my own, but I would post all the same ones and that just seems redundant).