That is my life - not exciting. I ended up having to work on the 14th and 15th and that was super fun (note the sarcasm). And then I ended up working until that Tues and Wed too. Of course there was all kinds of work stress which just freaks me out even more about what is going to happen in the near future. I seriously have no idea what I am going to do if I don't get in to Grad School. I start to panic just thinking about it! Okay, not thinking about it, moving on. I did have a job interview on the hill the other day - but they aren't sure they are hiring and I am not sure I can even get status again, so ... I don't want to bank on that. Gah!
Moving on. Friday, I did a whole lot of nothing. I slept in late, watched a movie. Jasmine came over and we hung out watching some tv on DVD. Then I felt lazy like I had done nothing all day so I went for a walk. It was a good day. Of course then I couldn't get to sleep at a decent time because I slept in so much so getting up this morning for work sucked, but oh well I guess. Today I came to work, and then I went to a baby shower for this girl who used to be in the Ward and got married last May. She is super cute and it was cool to see her and a bunch of the other people who used to be in the Ward but have 'graduated' (so to speak) as well as a couple of girls who are about to 'graduate' from the Ward. It was tough to be surrounded by all the wedding and baby talk though. I feel like I am never going to get married. I know, I know - lots of girls feel like that. The two girls at the shower who are both engaged said that they felt that way before they got engaged. But I have a theory on that. You remember back when you were in school? You come out of a big final or something and everyone says - "I think I did terrible". Well, there are people who studied a lot and actually know they did okay, but they are just saying that. There are also people who didn't study all that much, but managed to wing it. There are also people who didn't study and really did do terrible. I think most girls who say "I think I am never going to get married" are in those first two categories. They know they will get married eventually, or somehow think they will wing it. I, on the other hand, think that I really won't get married. I am 26 years old and have never had a boyfriend. I haven't even had an almost boyfriend or anything like that. I got on maybe 1 date a year (I have actually gone on 2 dates in the last 3 years, so I am not even doing that good) and I have never had a second date with the same guy. Ever. So ... that makes me feel like I am the third category. And I think that even more because I know that I don't really make myself emotionally available to anyone. I don't like to get close to people because I don't want to get hurt. I guess I feel like I have been hurt a lot growing up by my brother and by men who I would foolishly fall for and then they would reject me, so I just don't let that happen. Even if I get a crush on someone these days it just seems to be short lived. It is enough to remind me I am a woman and still like guys, but it's like in the back of my mind I know that they wouldn't want me so I don't get too attached and at the first hint that he likes someone else I am like "okay, I am over it!" Wow. The thing is, I think part of me has come to accept this as the truth of how things are. I sometimes get sad about this, but lately it's like, I have accepted my terminal single-hood. For instance, when I write posts like this it is usually when I am in a sad mood and feeling depressed, but right now I don't feel that way. I just feel ... resigned. I am okay with that.
Part of me feels bad for people who are friends of mine anyway. I think that being close to me is a disadvantage. Let me explain. I mentioned that I am not very emotionally available - and that is in almost any respect. I will be happy for you, and have fun with you, and when it comes to anything tough I will be there for you. But a lot of times I don't want this in return. I don't NEED it usually. My emotions are usually on a pretty even keel. I told Jasmine the other day that I was feeling more depressed lately than I ever have and she said that I didn't seem that way at all - because I don't let it show. And that is okay, I don't really need it to show. And if you make me mad, I might not let that show either. I will let you walk on me. I hold A LOT in. And I like it that way. I like having other people's emotions be the ones that we will worry about. The reason that this is a detriment to my friends is because they come to think this is normal. And then they interact with people who aren't like this - and they get burned. It is like they are so shocked that any person might stand up for themselves that they get more hurt by other people's words than they would have if they were used to this happening. Sorry friends.
And sorry for the post that makes it sounds like I am unhappy - I am not. I think I am coming out of the being more depressed than I ever have before thing that I was telling Jasmine about because it is spring and beautiful outside. I have a job, I get paid, I have good friends, I have a great family - I am in a good spot (at least for this second!).
2 comments:
Okay Mandi,
I am going to preface this by saying that I am hormonal and feeling incredibly blunt; so, don't get offended by what I have to say. Just realize that I have good intentions.
First off, I disagree with your analogies on what woman feel when it comes to getting married. We've both spoken to several girls about this, and almost all of them at one point have felt insecurity about that part of life. All girls have something that makes them feel like they are inadequate in that area. I think it's just part of being female. Some feel like they aren't going to get married because of previous abuse, hurt, or the feeling that no man could ever love them. Even though all of these feelings are honest and true, I do believe that they are excuses. Men are just as insecure in this area. I don't think that any person is deemed as impossible to love. Every human has that right. It just depends on how bad they want it, and how willing they are to get over their own insecurities so that someone can love them.
Now, if you say at this moment that I don't understand because I am married, I am just warning you now that I am going to be pissed by that comment. Just because someone has found that right person doesn't mean that they didn't go through those same feelings of inadequacy. I really think that just about any woman can relate to what you are saying.
Now, as for the second part of the blog, yes, you are emotionally unavailable. I lived with you for three years, and at the end of it, I still had a very hard time reading you. Do I think that you were a bad friend to have around though? Definitely no. Do I think that you are sometimes attracted to men that wouldn't make you happy...yes, but all of us do that. It's called hormones!
I'm not going to lie to you and say that you are going to find that special someone and that you need to be patient. I learned long ago that the previously mentioned philosophy is a piece of crap. I will tell you that if you want something and go after it though, your chances will increase.
I know that you already know this, but I am going to say it anyway because I am mean and blunt like that. If you want to get married, sitting at home watching movies, reading books, and traveling back and forth to work is not going to help you in that area. I HATED dating in college, but it seemed to be the only way that I could eventually get in a relationship.
If you are sick of waiting for guys to ask you out, then take the initiative. Stop having girl friends set you up with people that you don't want to get to know, and spend more time with the people that you do want to get to know.
I've said it a million of times, you can't catch a man if he doesn't know that you exist.
Realize that I say this with kindness Mandi. Please stop hiding because of insecurities. I know that marriage and a family is something that you desperately want. I believe that most people do want that. I would just feel really bad if you weren't able to get it because your afraid to take a chance and deal with a little more rejection than you're comfortable with.
The End! Love you girl!
Mandi I'm surprised to see you are so open on your blog. I'm not saying its a bad thing. I actually like it. Being one who is about to graduate from the ward, I really want to give you my advice on being single but we really don't know each other that well. All I will say is - I didn't completely give up on thinking I would get married but I was pretty close. I don't want to share too much personal info on here so feel free to ask me about anything in person. I think you would be surprised if you knew my past. Ultimately, I found myself at 28 years old, assertively getting to know a 22 year old and of all places in THE TANASBOURNE WARD. You know the rest... I really think we should talk, though :)
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